"with Hope, that flew beside."

i woke up late, and brushed my teeth. i brushed my teeth noisily, i brushed them with greater force, creating greater foam, which amounted to no brighter, whiter teeth. i looked at my face, a blurry person living within the confines of a thin metal frame, square and mundane. not even shiny. not even new. strange, how grubby the world seemed that morning, after the flurry of responsibility had died a graceful, careful death. everything seemed to exist in a thick liquid, and this medium stuck itself firmly under the usually perky feet of Time, thus slowing it down, which in turn slowed Life down. all the slowing down that happened made me drowsy, and i had been awake and on my feet for no more than twenty minutes; it made me want to kick myself, but on a greater degree, it made me want to crawl back into bed and sleep the graying skies away, and pretend that there was nothing odd in the heavy, drab feeling i carried involuntarily in my chest that day.

there was an overwhelming lack of motivation, the total absence of reason and direction, and a sense of dread at the prospect of trudging through a slushy, sticky day without having a point B to reach. i was still in front of that old mirror, my hair bleached by the faintly glowing sun for no longer than a few sickly minutes when all sorts of empty, nameless thoughts rushed through my brain, thinned my blood, and made my heart grow weak. it took some time, but not too long, to realize the macabre streak in the ennui i found myself in. was this how my biggest dream finds its resolution in so many days to come?

i have not stepped on the plane. i have not started packing. i have only rough sketches of plans, and i still overcook the potatoes. yet, the premonitions actively come at the most surprising of times to either counsel or warn me. i don't even have the guts to question their intentions, because right now i seek temporary comfort in waiting for this very creepy origami to unfold itself. what suspiciously felt like the dying moments of a spirit most unsettling, at this point in time feels like nothing premature, all natural and blessed by a higher power. i knew leaving wouldn't be simple, but this monstrous distress already has its teeth in my skin, sinking further and further down. i'm both too uncertain and too scared to shake it off for good. don't slap me. don't slap me, yet.